Things go better when they have a purpose, one defined, unambiguous, and pursued with some flexibility. I put myself on SSRIs while still in solo practice, using office samples, with the approval and guidance of my doctor. Its purpose was to get me more focused so I could stay on task. Mixed results. It's beneficial side effect, almost a theme of Peter Kramer's Listening to Prozac, was that it resulted in my being more congenial. A less favorable side effect was that my mind often felt dulled, in exchange for focus and productivity.
Several drug holiday's have had similar results. Sharper thinking, more impatience. And more dissatisfaction with wherever I found myself. Chemically driven contentment. As I get more irritable and become less cordial, I note it and resume the pills. Yet that was not the purpose of medicating myself, indeed it was a useful side effect.
Now it's time to get off without the intent of a limited respite. Been off a few weeks, don't miss them. I'm abrasive but maybe if my synagogue experience irritates me I should be abrasive. My mind seems more incisive. I read more carefully, immerse myself in the difficult, take pleasure from being interactive. My telos may not be to be personable but to express candor, which I do. Consequences positive and negative, but I'm more in control without the added serotonin floating through the synapses.
The original prescription was for a purpose that need not be maintained. I'll deal with social abrasiveness and its unfavorable consequences.
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