Shabbos Dinner

As the sunset times get earlier and before long Eastern Standard Time arrives, there becomes less of a window for my wife to prepare a Friday night dinner worthy of Shabbos.  That brings the task to me, generally done from 5:30-6:30 on Friday mornings but some preparation earlier in the week.  Meat, usually chicken but sometimes beef or even fish if I plan to go to Beth Emeth reform oneg shabbat where the good stuff is milchig, has to be defrosted on Wednesday or purchased from Shop-Rite Thursday night.  Mini-challot get defrosted on Thursday or purchased during the day on Friday.  Depending on the main course I will marinate the meat the night before.

For the most part the preparation is simple.  Usually chicken breasts or a dismembered chicken gets browned in a big pan, then seasoned and put in the oven while I prepare boxed couscous or rice.  Occasionally beef is on sale, so I will put stew meat into the crock-pot along with vegetables, rice or beans, spices and plug it in.  Once in a while flanken or short ribs goes on sale so that is prepared like the chicken.  Occasionally I will feel more energetic and obtain a pot roast, whole chicken or turkey breast which I prepare Thursday night.  A frozen vegetables get nuked in the microwave and Luigi's Pareve Water Ice makes for a suitable dessert.

Usually the dinner is simple, an end to an often arduous work week, a demarcation point, something worth a little extra preparation to do.  We avoid appointments that night other than maybe watching or recording Washington Week and in a prior era seeing what JR was scheming on Dallas.  Since I completed Kaddish, even attendance at Beth Emeth where I really like to hear what their Rabbi has to impart, is decided by what time I arrive home and what time they start that week.  No appointment to finish at a certain time.

I've also not been to AKSE's monthly shabbos dinner in a very long time.  While I admire the effort and intent of the people who assemble this, going there really amounts to keeping one more appointment, a place that I need to be at a fixed time.  My work week keeps me in contact with people who come to the exam room at a specified time.  I cannot escape from patients in the hospital, residents and colleagues tapping into my knowledge, irritation about some process gone wrong.  Shabbos is really an escape from that.  While my Rabbi's have tried to instill into my mindset the need to assemble with community that day, my fondest shabbat experiences really took place during my final two medical school years when I no longer had exams on Saturday morning and I could escape by myself for a peaceful evening.  I would plan dinner alone or occasionally splurge oh so very gently to walk to a vegetarian restaurant not far from my apartment for a special supper that I would be unable to prepare on my own.  Shabbos became an Island of Time with myself and later with my household, as it still is.  While divine intent was for it to go from sundown to sundown, I came to appreciate and anticipate a somewhat shorter break from the usual, as shabbos morning services bring another set of appointments and a return to a a public sphere, though with different players to separate it from the work week.  It is really about Me Time, Family Time, maybe a bottle of craft beer with a dinner that does not require scrambling for the final assembly and enjoyment.  And then maybe some Rabbi and God Time the next day.

Topping Out

About thirty years ago there was a bestseller written by John C. Molloy entitled Dress for Success in which he explored the world of business attire.  He argued for people at the lesser rungs of commerce to dress more like their senior executives.  Of course, their spendable income was much less so they could not make frequent trips to Brooks Brothers, let alone Saville Row.  In its place, he recommended going to the top stores to look at the finest business clothing, identify what made it different from the stuff most of us buy, then go back to our stores to look for the products that have those basic unique features. 

So this weekend, I treated myself to forays into where the three main branches of Judaism excel, to see what I can bring back to my ordinary experience.  After a wicked week at work, one in which I would have liked nothing better than to plop myself down after Shabbat dinner with a look at Washington Week followed by a visit to my mattress, I instead shlepped with Irene to Beth Emeth.  I never regret the effort to get there.  This Shabbat was special.  It being Shabbat Shira, they traditionally have a special event with Kriyat HaYam by the Hazan.  It happened also to be the week of the passing of Debbie Friedman, the most influential member of the Reform Movement whose music has added to spirituality of every synagogue I have attended since the 1970's when, as a rising star in the world of Jewish Music, she performed at the WashU Hillel.  There were a couple hundred people in attendance, with all three synagogues represented, listening to a somewhat makeshift hybrid choir singing her melodies, trying to get the congregants to sing along much as Debbie would do at her performances, and incorporating the melodies into the kabbalat shabbat liturgy.

My destination for the weekend was the Orthodox Union Convention's Day of Learning, but since I needed some real recreation, I opted to make a weekend of it, seeking out the upper tier of Conservative Judaism. With some exploration on the web and some guidance from Rabbi Satlow, one of the real talents of Conservative Judaism, I opted for shabbat morning at Congregation Beth Sholom in Teaneck NJ, having heard that JTS Faculty and United Synagogue senior honcho's live in the community.  They are having a Shabbat of learning that makes my AKSE Academy look minuscule.  By Kiddush, my concept of the viability of Conservative Judaism had been completely transformed.  It was like a Ramah experience made multigenerational and transplanted from a rural retreat to mainstream sanctuary.  About 200 people attended.  They must have a fair number of transients since only a few recognized me as a visitor, including the Gabbai who offered me Shishi, though I preferred to remain  an observer rather than participant.  Nearly all the men had knitted kippot like mine.  None had a satin Bar Mitzvah souvenir and almost none took a black general synagogue issue one from the box.  Most of the people who brought their own talesim, men and women, wore full orthodox style woolen garments, few had their own silk tallis though a lot of people like me wore the ones from the synagogue.  The sanctuary had been prepared for shabbat, one of my pet peeves with AKSE.  Each place had an Etz Chaim Chumash on the left and a Sim Shalom Siddur on the right.  The congregation does not have a Hazan.  Their web site hinted that they do not need one, as capable congregants were committed to not only showing up to make the minyanim but to make the services happen.  This shabbat the Rabbi did the Pseuke D'Zimra.  A young guy chanted shacharit, incorporating a few of the late Debbie Friedman's melodies into the Kedusha as a memorial, Torah reading was divided three ways, all done very well particularly the last two done by a young woman with lovely voice and impeccable skill.  The very long haftarah was chanted by a rabbi who was not the congregational rabbi.  He did it capably but struggled with some of the less familiar words in the song.  Musaf was done by a middle age man, approximately one of my contemporaries, with a pleasant tenor voice who also incorporated a few Debbie Friedman melodies.  Their liturgy was a complete one with a few variations from AKSE.  Birchat Cholim came after the sixth aliyah.  Their rabbi received a list in advance, read it and invited people to come up.  Few did.  I think it was a mistake for AKSE to change its policy from this. About three women were honored with aliyot as well as peticha, suggesting true egalitarianism rather than squaw work often seen in other Conservative settings and certainly at AKSE.   A prayer for Tzahal and captives was then done in Hebrew by the rabbi.  The prayer for Israel was done in Hebrew at its usual place followed by a prayer for the United States read in English by the Rabbi with an insert for the Armed Forces.  The sermon was delivered after the scrolls returned to the Ark, given by the Gabbai who apparently was also a prominent attorney.  He spoke about different ways to assess census to understand the Exodus and victory over the Canaanites.  At the end, two girls concluded the service.  They did not do Anim Zemirot but instead did the passage that separates Ein Kelokainu from Aleinu followed by Kaddish D'Rabbanan.  They also did the Sabbath Psalm earlier in the service as their Siddur places it.

Then a visit to a friend recovering in a nursing home in Spring Valley, then some relaxation at the Howard Johnson's in Ramsey, then completion of the weekend at the final day of the OU convention.

We have a board meeting at AKSE this coming week.  The President included a semi-annual summary among the agenda items.  What made Beth Emeth and Beth Sholom Teaneck attractive places to attend may have been the excellence with which they executed what they intended in a way that enhances the experience of being there.  AKSE has more pretense, aspiring to what it is not, guaranteeing that the experience of being there will never measure of to its hype.  There are people there who will demean Beth Sholom Teaneck as inferior based on its USCJ affiliation yet ignore the talent of its members that make the experience of shabbat morning in the sanctuary sparkle while shabbat morning at AKSE parades far less capable participants from the Rabbi to the congregational volunteers offering a couple of hours of mediocrity.

Beth Tfiloh

There are some destination synagogues for me.  While saying kaddish, I took a liking to the experience and clergy at Beth Emeth, our local Reform congregation.  While initially attracted by the security of a minyan and the convenient time for Kabbalat Shabbat services, it did not take long for me to admire the Hazzan's musical skills and the Rabbi's intellect.  My own religious preferences aside, I always return to my car after a cup of soda at the oneg, about the only thing there I can consume after a fleishig shabbat dinner, thinking I have been to a place of kedusha.  My own congregation does not seem to put holiness among its aspirations.

About once or twice a year, my destination congregation is Beth Tfiloh, a nominally Orthodox gathering in the northern suburbs of Baltimore.  If I leave Wilmington at 8AM I can generally arrive at the end of Shacharit, and have never been disappointed.  Each visit has a Bar Mitzvah, which I utterly loathe at all of the Wilmington congregations, where the boy effectively pre-empts shabbos.  I make a point  not to go those weekends, substituting some Pikuach Nefesh activity like being on call or donating platelets, which is what I was supposed to due yesterday until I botched the prep by taking aspirin from my pill case within 72 hours of the scheduled donation.  So I went to Beth Tfiloh instead.

Beth Tfiloh has a mechitza, which my wife loathes. It is only about four feet high, made of plexiglass with an unobtrusive design. From my seat yesterday, not far from where I usually sit, I did not notice the physical barrier right away, just a lot of women on one side of the sanctuary and a lot of men on my side.

Each time I've been there, they have a Bar Mitzvah.  I'd expect that from a congregation of over a thousand members.  Yet the Bar Mitzvah never seems to intrude on the service.  Twice they had invited guest speakers, Ruth Messinger of the American Jewish World Service last spring and Martin Fletcher the Middle East correspondent for NBC News yesterday.  It would be unthinkable at AKSE or Beth Shalom to ask a Bar Mitzvah family to share their assigned day.  Rabbi Wohlberg always has a presence, even if it is only to introduce the guest.  Who is honored? One who honors others.  Avot 4:1.  The rabbi has had a word of tribute for all he mentions, from the Bar Mitzvah to the woman observing her 100th birthday in absentia.  For an orthodox congregation, he finds a suitable role for women.  I would not be surprised that if in private he is apologetic for not being able to offer more.  This being machar chodesh, the women have a role of gathering for t'hillim or Psalms.  He mentioned a women's tfilah group in passing.  Attendance of 45% women by my estimate speaks for itself.

And there was no amateur hour.  All participants came across as suitably skilled, even the Bar Mitzvah bachur who did a more limited amount of worship than some of the others.  A morning's delight.  Worth the shlep each time I go there.

Diverting My Contribution

Each year on Yom Kippur, the congregational president of AKSE makes an appeal for extra funds, which adds about 20K to the synagogue's treasury.  This is the largest fundraiser of each year.  It takes no committees and costs nothing other than the bookeeping and banking costs.  It has been my tradition to write a check for $100, no strings attatched, nothing conditional to the check.  Despite the long precedent, this year the contribution does not go to AKSE but to an organization called Women of the Wall, which our local reform congregation, Beth Emeth, has adopted as their recommended cause.  While I have the good fortune to enjoy sufficient prosperity to write two checks of $100 each, I feel very strongly that this contribution really needs to go from AKSE with me as the conduit.

One of the challenges of observant Judaism has been the ambivalence to what the optimal role for women ought to be.  When our Rabbi came aboard, my wife and I were optimistic that the role for women in the congregation would expand in a meaningful way.   Had the Rabbi opted to take the progress in stages, conduct some experiments and modify what needs to be modified, I would have jumped aboard.  Instead, he made some very trivial decisions that I think reflect a fundamentally limited intellect and marginal gift of Binah from HaShem, the closed the door on further modification citing the authority he has as mara d'atra.  That is not like me at all, where I round on patients every day and correct yesterday's errors as I go.  Judaism as I understand it takes a dim view of victimizing people without recourse.  Our women are doomed to mediocrity without prospect of reversal.  The Women of the Wall still have an upside.  That is where my money goes.  It cannot also go to support impropriety on my own home front.

While I think Derech Eretz would have me simply toss my AKSE pledge card into the recycling bin and write a check to Women of the Wall, my wife put a condition on the diversion.  I would also have to write to the congregational President and explain to him in Jewish terms why the Women of the Wall are of superior worthiness.

Shabbat Prep

End of the work week, end of the summer.  Very early on Friday morning with a few tasks separating me from a shabbat respite, or if not a respite, then a change of pace.  I made the foundation of dinner:  flanken and Israeli couscous with sauteed onions and mushrooms.  Then some cauliflower to parboil before lichtbentschen.  When I get to the office, I will put my coins in the Pushka, then bring the pushka to my car, as this is the final Friday that I expect to be in my office.  Maybe I will empty the Pushka, put the coins in the TD Bank coin counter and write a check for the proceeds to the Hebrew school like I usually do at the start of their school year.  It will probably be the final tzedakah check from my office account.

On Fridays I do a double portion with my Franklin Planner, outlining both Friday and Saturday anticipated tasks.  I also think about where I will attend services, usually Beth Emeth for Kabbalat Shabbat and AKSE on Shabbat Morning.  This week I also need to pick up some mini-challot, either from Trader Joe's or Safeway.  Come the end of the workday, the tasks will close, the majority typically not done, to be half-heartedly restarted when the sun goes down Saturday and more vigorously shortly after sunrise on Sunday.

While shabbos is different, is it really better, as people tell me it should be?  Definitely a difficult question to analyze, but for now I'm content just leaving it different.

Nurturing Talent

A Sunday off following Shabbat.  I attended my usual services, Beth Emeth for kabbalat shabbat and AKSE for shabbat morning but couldn't get it together for minyan this morning.  My daughter Rozzy came for a visit, so I really wanted to be home for her and I wanted to get some cleaning done this morning.  Minyan starts at 8AM on Sundays, so the real time away is about 7:45-9:15 if I keep the chats short over coffee.  They usually get a minyan on Sunday mornings so my presence has no material impact on the proceedings, among other rationalizations.  No getting around it, the only one that I inconvenience myself to get to is Beth Emeth's kabbalat shabbat.  I like that one hour's respite, scholarly rabbi, inspiring cantor, skilled organist and a hundred other worshippers who also made Friday night a personal destination.

Beth Emeth has a student from the Reconstructionist Rabbinical College assisting this year.  They gave her a relatively benign trial by fire, allowing her to conduct most of the service and present the sermon, which was a minor let down, as I had hoped to hear Rabbi Robinson's always learned message.  Rabbi Stern did OK for a start.  She seemed perky and enthusiastic, reasonably articulate, and with a beginning, a middle, and an end to the talk though the Jewish content and citations could have been more thorough.  I think she'll develop adequately with Rabbi Robinson and hopefully Rabbi Grumbacher showing her the ropes.

AKSE lags behind in developing people's skills.  Some of the Bar Mitzvah boys advance their proficiency, but for the most part they disappear within a year or two.  There is a tendency to find people who already know how to do whatever and put them on the schedule.  Some very negative long term outcomes eventually arrive this way.