Languishing

I needed to get out, escape My Space and the screen.  I've not felt particularly well.  Cheer seems to elude me, though there are pockets of reversal, usually when in conversation with somebody else, suggesting more loneliness than depression.  I've done a few changes of pace, getting away for the day, going out for coffee or breakfast or lunch.  Getting myself stuff, or even looking at stuff to purchase in a store on online does not change my perspective.  

Not that those changes of location are worthless.  They are not.  Just transient.  Doing something for myself does not seem to do very much.  I've devoted some effort to making My Space closer to what I had originally envisioned.  I ironed shirts.  I've made a few special dinners.  All things that now generate less pleasure than they once did.

Post-Holiday sales.  To Boscov's.  Second floor: stuff, none needed, none wanted, none discounted. First floor.  Clothing.  Some attractive button down shirts.  Maybe go back for one if I get invited someplace where I could wear it.   Then Marshall's.  Decent discounts, about 20%, and a fair amount of stuff referenced to St. Louis, if you count Budweiser as part of St. Louis.  There are things that I could use.  In fact, I replaced my broken safety razor.  But a 20% discount on something you don't particularly want does not alter loneliness.

My forum of engagement has recently been kiddush after shabbos services or having guests to my shabbos table.  But as the final weekend of the secular calendar approaches, I find myself shuled out, annoyed with a couple of key people, and approaching Jewed out but not quite arrived there yet.  Need a break from synagogue.  An offshoot of work burnout for me.

Electronic interaction with others has not gone especially well.  While Twitter is a public blight, it is a forum for me to convey what I think.  Responses are few, and it is the responses that ease loneliness.  FB is a little more personally interactive.  The Stanford alumni of their how to deceive people into thinking they are engaged when they really aren't understand the value of Likes.  Any kind of response is fine.  Reddit allows me to express what I think, and occasionally people write back.  But all these lack the spontaneity of banter at kiddush.

As I move into the new secular year, addressing what appears to be loneliness needs to be one of the twelve Semi-Annual projects.

Out of Obligation

They tell me shabbos services were unusually well attended even without an announced event.  I stayed home.  Or not exactly home.  It's been a tough week.  After giving platelets on Tuesday, I returned home despondent.  If not sad, though there was a touch of that, without motivation to do anything.  It lasted the rest of the week.  I went to an Alumni Sponsored event on Friday. Despite a few small chats, I felt no interest in mingling, or eating the croissant they provided.  I stepped away by myself, looked outward to the parking lot, puttered around the coffee shop inside the patio where my gathering took place.  

I have guests coming for the following shabbos.  Planning the menu, looking at cookbooks and online recipe categories, making shopping lists, selecting a final menu, these are the elements that ordinarily energize me.  I did them, but out of obligation to complete a task, less the usual joy I could expect from the effort.  

I made progress on bringing My Space to its optimal form.  But no pleasure from this effort either.  It was on my weekly list so I did some.  Looked at my garden in the backyard.  Watered herb pots in the front.  Again, no sense of pleasure.  All obligatory tasks.

Missed a treadmill day and two stretch sessions due to soreness, but did not feel accomplished from the ones I did.

Writing initiatives failed.  Neither my heart nor mind were dedicated to these important and challenging semi-annual commitments by midweek.

For shabbos, I defrosted and reheated.  

However, a small turning point entered on Saturday morning.  Going to my desk, I took up the tape recorder to assess my past week and the coming one, as I do each Saturday morning as I sip the first cup of the day's coffee.  I felt a little better.  I felt like doing something because there might be some pleasure from a purposeful undertaking.  My Eddie Bauer green canvas attache case, a favorite accessory, had been idle next to my desk.  I thought about making it my portable workspace when OLLI resumes, but with all my recreational items chronically unused on my desk, I opted instead to make this my recreational center.  At my desk I could take what I wanted, but also transport my recreation to different places.  My harmonica went in a small compartment along with its tutorial booklet.  My desk had two unopened packs of pastels.  One went inside.  And coloring pencils with its adult pattern booklet.  My case of drawing pencils.  My desk has a section for various types of papers.  I transferred a tablet of the most all-purpose option.  I keep some monofilament, a few fishing hooks, and some laces to learn knots in a plastic bag in my front line of site.  Into the attache it went.  And a small back-to school watercolor tin with brush.  And in a separate compartment a red folder with blank loose-leaf paper.  This attache already had pens and a highlighter in its dedicated compartment.  I added a mini-cassette recorder, leaving the two good ones on my desk.  So I had created recreational space.

Then a shower.  Then venture out to the daylight.  I wanted to go somewhere, someplace that gives me pleasure when I go there.  IKEA, Lancaster.  Another time.  I thought about going to the Christiana Mall, the regional magnet, where I hardly ever go, but after getting on I-95 I realized a walk through the Delaware Park Casino, another neglected place, would sparkle with lights.  So that's where I went, making the circuit of each of the two floors.  The horse races are free to watch but wouldn't begin for another two hours.  I watched people, watched the environment.  Mostly an older clientele, not that different from my synagogue.  People of color over-represented I think.  And handicapped spaces in the parking lot seemed about half the total of parked cars but the people in the casinos did not seem all that incapacitated.  There's something to be said about noticing people.

Now that casinos are everywhere, I thought about other regional gaming places I've been to, either to take advantage of cheap Senior buffets in the Poconos or Chester, or to find a place to be indoors like my last trip to St. Louis.  These casinos have a common culture.  I sat in a comfortable lounge chair a bit and just looked around.

Still not fully amused.  Since I am remodeling two rooms, I diverted myself to the nearby Container Store.  Never buy anything due to price, but going aisle to aisle impresses me with the creativity of the designers, as do the casino slots for that matter.  Something that suits every purpose, provided you know what the purpose is.  Things to make kitchens more functional, laundry easier, work areas to fabricate from neglected spaces then declare as MINE.  I sat in their desk chairs made of bungee cords.  Not something I want to do for an entire work day.  Bins of every type adaptable to My Space's renovation though above budget for that purpose.  The store most likely to convince me that what I wish to do is really possible to accomplish.

While not really wanting to go to Costco or Cabela's, to other places that infuse my mind with Maybe I Could, I saw a nook of a store across the street that interested me.  Lands End.  I'd never seen a dedicated Lands End retail store.  I used to get their catalog.  My daily attache case for work, a heavy navy model made of coarse canvas with my initials added, served me for most of my career.  And I once bought a suit from there many pounds ago.  And a lot of pincord button down shirts and a few dress pants.  Always reliable, always a good value even when priced above what a store might offer and shipping is added.  Major disappointment.  Scant men's section, no carrying cases, prices double what outlet stores charge for comparable things.  I drove on.

Busy highway but home and for the first time in a considerable number of days, able to do something because I wanted to, not because I had to.

Reluctantly Up

Today has a few must dos, particularly as shabbos enters tonight.  Not a lot, though.  Should refill gas tank.  Low on bread.  Should take out anything else trash haulers can remove when they come around, though nothing will happen if it waits for next week's pickup.  Not planning to go anywhere for shabbos, including services.  A do nothing day never really goes well.  Consecutive do nothing days never prove restorative either.  

There are items on my Daily Task List, though I've not marked the ones also on Semi-annual projects with a colored highlighter yet.  

I'm not physically impaired.  A little achy.  A little down, maybe lonely.  Skipping services entirely may not be the best choice, though I really get little pleasure from being there.  Perhaps if I accomplish something important or special today, my mood will get a small boost.  But at least I am now up, with coffee splashed with on sale Oat Milk for the first time, starting a little over an hour late.  And it's not a treadmill day.  As much of a chore as I find exercising, it is also a source of accomplishment.  So is making shabbos dinner, so the by day's end I should have something to show for having made myself vertical.

Onset of Summer

Father's Day appears in proximity of the summer solstice.  I guess the Dads of evolutionary biology were in their busy season.  Now the summers need an escape to the air conditioners in the Northern Hemisphere.  The summer finds me well as a senior citizen with one small loose end on last week's lab results.  Energy could be better, disposition has taken a hit when I stopped my citalopram, and for good reason, my doctors' visits cluster around this time.  But I'm also ready to eat into some of that accumulated recreational deprivation.  

The amusement park did not go especially well at making me more animated.  See if the regional beach days do better.  

Summer also brings me to the second half of each year with new semi-annual projects to pursue.  Completed the twelve initiative list, put it in weekly planning nylon pouch to stay dormant for another two weeks, then adjust the whiteboard with the new list.  And I didn't do too badly with the concluding set of projects.  I'm ready to make the transition.

Maybe even fewer physical symptoms and more intrinsic cheer.

Not Cheerful

It had been my hope, if not expectation, that intercession from OLLI with a brief vacation would leave me more uplifted than it has.  Indeed, my level of cheer may have reversed a notch or two.  Upon returning home, I've been sleeping more, doing something productive only by appointment with myself to do something.  I've not gotten outdoors, but have been faithful to treadmill resumption.

Events loom.  Birthday, visit from my daughter, Passover, scholarship applications to review for the Delaware Community Foundation, garden planting, all of which should prod my mood, or at least make me feel more accomplished.  Maybe as I get more immersed in doing them they will.

Transitioning the Calendar Year

Our next two Shabbatot coincide with American legal holidays, Christmas and New Year's Day.  They are also transition points for me personally.  While working, I could expect Xmas to be an active day or weekend, sometimes a long one, taking call for patients who did everything they could to avoid the hospital.  As a result, I always had New Years off, taking it as minor revelry at home with some champagne as I watched the Big Steel Ball knock down New York.  More importantly, it was the first day of my new semi-annual initiatives, which always began a little behind the 8-ball needing some catchup sleep.  So it goes this transition too, though in retirement, Christmas is a day off.  An uncertain shul day, but I have a reason to go this year, even if a personal imposition.  I set my twelve initiatives on good paper in indelible ink with colored gel pens.  I transition the whiteboard after Christmas and begin doing them on New Years.  Some are maintained, some replaced.  While I've focused on weight and waist measurements, this half-year I will be shifting to treadmill performance, the anthropomorphic measurements having remained static for over a year.  I want to be more consistent with expressing myself, usually via writing.  Those projects continue though with a better performance focus and mileposts.  My day trips continue, again with more focus, allowing for an overnight adventure.  My Family Room being a lost cause, I shifted the home efforts to My Space and my gardens.  I've derived benefit from logging expenses, both from the data generated and from my reliability in doing this.  It continues.  I need to do better as a husband, I think, whether my wife agrees or not.  That becomes a focus for the next six months.  I'm satisfied with what I've chosen to pursue.  After months of ennui, I feel more of an inner drive to see what among these I can accomplish and how much satisfaction or frustration each effort generates.

Emerging from Withdrawal

Mar Cheshvan=Me Cheshvan started out with great optimism, time to pursue things put off.  But it got hijacked by an email hack with substantial loss and deterioration of my dear Honda.  I had been off my SSRI, got mostly impatient, often rather cross, enough to resume medication.  My muscles ached.  I felt lonely much of the time, often isolated, with a major respite when I got together with an old friend in Annapolis.  Car replaced.  Computer capacity restored.  Can't say I missed synagogue or anything particularly Jewish,  OLLI a bit of a disappointment this semester but a new course in the second session begins.  Housework and writing that had been my intended focus did not materialize.  And I'm struggling with this month's Medscape article.

However, I am starting to feel physically better for sure, emotionally better probably, less beaten down, less despondent, actually more optimistic.  The things to do short term seem reasonably well defined:  get acclimated to new car, submit Medscape article, treadmill schedule consistency, full contingent of prescribed medicines.  At least that much, maybe as much more as I can.

Returned to Treadmill

Since retiring three years ago, I've been directing some focus to self-care that lapsed amid the urgencies of getting to work and the fatigue that accompanied my return.  I've been more nutritionally focused, changed my grocery shopping for the better, taking prescribed medicine with few unintentional lapses, and remaining faithful to my treadmill schedule.  This past week I had a rare treadmill suspension, two days of scheduled walking or a total of four consecutive days off with my two-on one-off pattern.  My knee right knee hurt which made a more respectable justification than I just felt too ooky, even despondent.  The knee can withstand the stepwise jolt now, and why I am not restored yet to optimal personal outlook, it is sufficient to do a less than maximum treadmill session on the scheduled day.  I've done two, good tolerance, minor feeling of accomplishment that carries over to other projects that I've been too unmotivated to undertake.  Breathing good.  No anginal or claudication symptoms.  Minor lower extremity soreness.  And most importantly, less ooky.

More Animated

Maybe the SSRI, suspended a few weeks, has kicked in.  Maybe I've just emerged from an emotional trough.  I start today feeling better.  Achiness has abated enough to go for a low intensity walk on the treadmill. My mind has focused a little better, perhaps enough to resume some of the writing I've neglected.  My transition from previous to new vehicle does not seem to affect this, nor does the approach of shabbos.  I'm just feeling less inwardly battered.

Staying Cheerful

Expressing joy has been a challenge, in large part because a feeling of joy has been elusive.  I just purchased a new car which should make me elated but it hasn't.  My faithful Honda's end should make me dejected, but it hasn't. Things irritate me less than a few weeks back but without an upshift in mood.  I'm mostly lonely during Me Cheshvan, accomplishing some of what I set out to do, falling short in other things, accepting interruptions, but not receiving much pleasure from the things I undertake, and therefore probably not achieving the All-In that I had anticipated.

Celexa has resumed, Me Cheshvan still has its second half.

Recovery Day

Yesterday needs an antidote.  I felt achy, despondent, lonely, and a few other forms of ooky.  Scheduled treadmill session set aside due to knee pain.  Some half-projects: clearing out my car pending donation, checking financing for the replacement car, exchanging seasonal clothing.  None of these really engaged me.  Neither did selecting the replacement car, though I visited dealers where I may have to take it for service.  I selected a dealer from which to purchase it, though that did nothing to elevated my sagging spirits either.  

Been watching the Fab 5 on Netflix.  Used to watch the original Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, some of whom have moved on to more significant projects, particularly the cooking expert.  The current fellows are far more effeminate in addition to being gay, but the theme is the same.  They target people who could feel better about themselves by changing their environment, looking better, putting some effort into what they create in their kitchens and who gets to eat those dinners with them, which usually means expanding their social circles in some way.  My environment needs decluttering.  I look OK and have enough clothing.  My kitchen efforts are fine, but it would be better to expand the guest lists and frequency.  And I can get some help decluttering.

Ir's about midway through Me Cheshvan.  Still have a couple more weeks of Me Focus.

Slight Emotional Crash

First cup of coffee has not yet had its predictable CNS effect but I'm optimistic that this mornings starting point will reverse so I can have the productive day at my keyboard that dominates today's daily plan.  I don't think I'm descending from a sugar high, though the Father's Day cheesecake was good and a few fistfuls of sugary cereal as an after dinner snack probably didn't help.  As I look at today's tasks there are more I get to than I have to's.  No interpersonal activities of significance on today's agenda.  FB Roulette came up 36 which keeps me separated from Social Media today.  It's a treadmill recovery day.  Some household chores, none onerous.

Should feel more motivated than I do, but there's still time for coffee to have the effect that makes it so popular. 

Attempt at Recovery

For a lot of reasons, to stay mostly silent for now, this has been a tough first half of the week.  I need some lab testing this morning, having been sent home from an attempted platelet donation due to inadequate Hb, something that has happened before but this time not a borderline result.  The past few nights have left me sufficiently sleep deprived, so much so this week that for the first time in a while my scheduled treadmill appointment with myself had to be cancelled.  I feel better today, still with some grief for the last three days, probably able to do a reduced treadmill session, and not terribly apprehensive about what today's CBC will show.  There are some good events on the horizon.  I thawed a small brisket, to be coated today with the curing salts and spices for a wonderful St. Patrick's Day corned beef next week.  The weather requires less clothing, no concern about my snowblower not starting, and an opportunity to proceed with the outdoors components of this spring's gardens. While my energy has taken a dip, and mood deteriorated past basic ennui though not all the way to despondent, I should be able to do those things.  My home state medical license lies on my desk, the one where I worked is renewable with some effort that I am ambivalent about pursuing, but it is not out of reach.  Even my Coronavirus immunization date has come through. And eventually a cheerful day will reappear.

Slightly More Motivated

It's been a tough XMas week.  In a funk for a couple of weeks, not irritable but never quite able to get enough sleep.  I have maintained my exercise schedule, substituted one day snow shoveling for treadmill and reduced the speed on the treadmill, though not the duration.

After doing very well with sleep hygiene, my sleep cycle has become aberrant at about 4AM on several consecutive days, not transitioning from twilight sleep to the next cycle but waking me instead.  I get back to sleep but not fully rested by the usual wake time, which I have made a faithful effort to maintain.  

My daily list has a lot of activities, but I find myself focused on the easy ones.  I just don't seem motivated to deal with the more demanding undertakings, whether some scheduled writing or the challenging parts of house maintenance.  There are deadlines, which typically motivate me, or at least prod performance, but intrinsic motivation seems at a lull.  At least today I feel less dragged.

Not Feeling Groovy

Actually a little sore, maybe even laudable sore calves from attentiveness to my treadmill sessions.  Arms less achy.  Rest of skeleton a little stiff but not painful.  A naproxen pill makes a difference, and maybe I'll take one later.  It does nothing for my mood and disposition, though.  While there are chemicals that can favorably alter that, and I've taken them previously, I came off it for a reason.  I don't plan to resume.

There are some non-pharmacological approaches to ennui, mostly by doing something meaningful or for me being interactive.  Covid has restrained the latter but I have a Zoom session with the Philadelphia Endocrine Society upcoming where I can engage in some chatter.  Meaningful may be more challenging. Access to the spectrum of the world fits in my shirt pocket.  Today's Task List has two columns of worthwhile activities from house upgrades, to preparing my snowblower for its next use, to semi-annual planning to reading what the masters of journalism have presented.  And I have total control of which I select.  While I control how I approach upgrading my current downcast outlook, there is probably something very intrinsic about moods.  But doing something offers a better prospect than doing nothing, so I'll immerse myself in a few worthy activities as the day progresses.

Staring at the Screen

At mid-morning, my productivity and my motivation have faltered.  I completed by scheduled e-book, Ivanhoe by Sir Walter Scott but still want to read the notes which I think were also written by the author.  The scholarship applications I agreed to review for the Delaware Community Foundation have proceeded on schedule.  And I am only one article short from last week on my weekly quota of two articles.  But I don't feel accomplished.  A major writing piece on coronavirus hangs on my daily not done yet list and my attempt at indoor container herbs has gotten off to a false start.  I should exercise on the treadmill, and likely will as a matter of basic health which I have not forsaken despite my case of the blahs.  Need to check off the to-do items that once done do not return for another week.  There are some.

Not Yet Right

This was the week I was to coerce myself into my most businesslike, productive persona.  Quite a number of rest days, too many, not at all spontaneous but did enough to check off from lists what I had done.  And I'm still doing that today.  What seems missing has been any pleasure from the things I force myself to do.  My energy is adequate.  I don't feel sad.  Nobody has been pestering me.  The intrinsic reward for accomplishing something worthwhile just seems elusive.

Change behavior often leads to changed outlook.  We saw that with civil rights where forcing people to allow minorities in restaurants and hotels became the norm even if unpopular or allowing women to vote became the norm.  Maybe I just need to take on some of my big projects and the joy of doing them might return.

An Upright Day

It's been a difficult week or so.  First a non-febrile illness that caused inversion of my sleep pattern and achiness with spontaneous recovery, though my energy could be better.  Followed by Pesach, currently at its midpoint, with responsibilities for exchanging kitchen ware and preparing food.  Along the way I passed a birthday that puts me well into the Old Boy Network.  Exercise went on hold due to illness, hopefully ready to resume later today in a reduced form.  I'm not ill but I wish I felt better.  While not despondent, I'm not enthused about anything either.  I'd like to do a number of things but just don't seem to have the motivation to pursue anything.  Start by not being recumbent.

Anhedonia

Been feeling inexplicably down for a few weeks.  Not despondent or hopeless.  Just not motivated, which can be a big impediment if there are no assigned tasks, one of the realities as six months of retirement approaches.  I force myself to do things:   get up at the assigned time, stay awake until the assigned time, read a chapter of the book I am working on each day.  I go out each day, sometimes purposeful like grocery shopping or taking advantage of the $1 coffee promotion at WaWa, sometimes get out for the purpose of getting out to a regional mall to walk around.  I've gotten desperate enough to set time aside for television.  Extracting pleasure from any of this has not gone very well.  Exercise has been on schedule and I feel decent, just with an overwhelming ennui.  Chronic SSRI has tamed my compulsivity.  Not a good time for a drug holiday.  Tasks on my daily list just stay there.  Best option might be to focus on a few things that have a defined end point and see if finishing them adds to an inner satisfaction, if not to pleasure.