Assessing Failures

With roughly six weeks to go in my six month cycle and about half of that before I need to begin sorting the initiatives for the second half of the calendar year, I need to look at what went well, what didn't, some of the things I did in lieu of what I had intended, and the unforeseen.  Hidden on the page opposite the check marks and x's are how I feel about the various outcomes, as the review does not fulfill its potential if fully objective. 

My gardens have taken form.  I have a system for logging expenses each month.  I've done it reasonably on time.  I slacked off on doing the quarterly summary even though I took an OLLI course in Excel which should have taught me how to do this.  I still can.  My social security deposits should begin this month.  Have I made two new friends?  Depends on how you keep score.  I think so, though friends from a distance.  I did not do as well either nurturing friendships that I already have and engaging people in person.  I purchased two Great Courses, watched the one on Photography, even taking out my point and shoot in a more purposeful way.  The second course on electronics has been more of a struggle.  I slog through but probably will not get it done by the end of June.  If I want to really benefit from it, I will need to repeat the session as I would a college course and do the exercises.  Those were the purchased Great Courses, as this initiative went into my PURCHASE category as planning took place at the close of 2020.  I also borrowed two Great Courses, one on writing a novel where my desire to really do this lags, and the other on the Dead Sea Scrolls which I completed by pacing the fourteen half hour lectures over three weeks.  I read more than three books, parceling the categories of what I planned to read.  My weight and waist likely will not have reached target by the six month conclusion.  Despite this, I changed my diet for the better, rarely feel voracious, and with rare exceptions have kept to my treadmill schedule, though the targets of intensity did not fully progress.  I feel mostly better.  And I think I have a few organizational affiliations, though none strong.  I have presented to the Christiana Senior Physicians Group and actively participate in the presentations of others.  Delaware Medical Volunteers got me to sign up but real participation in the absence of liability protection more secure than what I perceive it to be may be a barrier.  And the Jewish Historical Society never developed for me as a participatory organization.  I have obtained a Democrat Committee appointment which I intend to take seriously.

Those have mostly gone well with lapses.  It's the aftermath of failure, its assessments, its upgrades, that generate character.  Despite my rational brain, I remain envious of people who outperform me.  I shouldn't but I do.  And there are a lot of those people.  I also resent being left out, though I do not really have a lot of control over being excluded, just a response, which is usually to divest myself, mostly with an element of resentment.

So now the failures along with how I have coped.  It had been my intent to visit each of my children.  My son relocated in driving range so that might still happen, though my wife really does not share my desire to get away at all.  We won't be going to California, either.  Nor will I get to visit historical mansions, mostly made unavailable due to Covid-19 safety.  From my own emotional perspective, what I really wanted from each of these was less the destination than the journey.  I have been at home, not gone anywhere, opted not to visit the Everglades last fall when I could have as a rational assessment of personal and spousal safety, so I still feel largely vacation deprived.  Moreover, I lack a partner who shares this feeling. If I have a concept of fun, also largely subjugated by Covid, it may be puttering around a place I've not been before.  In St. Louis I drove through neighborhoods.  In Oakland I varied my directions as I walked.  At home, I've driven to Joe's neighborhood where my betters live, this time admiring but not at all resenting their displays of wealth.  If I cannot get to the elegant mansions, which I have sampled virtually, I can still partake of the less familiar, starting with First State National Historical Park and Tally Day Park, each nearby yet neither previously visited.

My biggest failure to come through has been in public expression.  My Medscape submissions go out at the end of each month but only one has been published.  I wanted to write three articles for publication, and almost have, though without a destination for an editor's consideration.  And my book goes in boluses, making me wonder how motivated I really am.  With FB off, my blog entries have gotten more consistent in appearance and maybe a little more elaborate in content.  I really do take advantage of recording what I think, but have not be proactive about sharing my perspectives.  I still have another six weeks to isolate this lapse for better attention.