Underachiever

To get some inspiration, when I retired in 2018 I started going through the daily death anniversaries on Wikipedia and On This Day.  I pick out the Jewish and Islamic names first, then the scientists and other Nobel Laureates, then those who died under age 50 but were able to get a place for themselves in posterity despite their limited years.  Up until about 1600, it is all yichus with a few military heroes.  Then artists appear, then scientists, inventors, and other innovators.  Entertainers and athletes arrive on the list in the 20th century.  Jews do not appear in appreciable numbers until the 20th century.

This year I added another feature to the daily list, people born on that day in my year and a year on either side.  There were athletes and entertainers, but there are also people of science and political and literary accomplishments, all things I might have aspired to in my younger years but never took the risk to pursue.  My reaction is very different to the list of Lives They Lived which is one of admiration.  As I go through my contemporaries, most still alive, my kishkes announce envy of them and disappointment with myself.  To be sure, I have my portion with a terrific family, economic prosperity and a satisfying professional career, for which I have received much nachas.  But it doesn't reverse that disappointment of maybe if I had more focus, dedication, willingness to try and fail, my birthday and ultimately demise might be of note to the public too.