Sort of Awake

My low end not entirely smartwatch's most important feature, beyond its accuracy in telling time, might be the alarm that I set to wake me at 6:30 each morning, seven days a week.  I heed the signal by arising, usually within the 30 seconds that it continues to buzz.  Rarely does it truly wake me, serving more as a prompt to actually arise from bed.  On occasion, like today, it interrupts slumber but I still arise, as fixed out of bedtime provide the basis of optimal sleep hygiene.  Today, though, while I arose and did my habitual dental care, instead of coffee I plopped onto my recliner in My Space to resume my morning snooze, which amounted to another hour and a half.  Then coffee.  Then treadmill at the customary time.

Learning a Sophisticated Dashboard

My new car has eleven years of technical advances over my departing vehicle that served me so well.  It lacks a means of playing CDs because only relics of the last decade still play CDs.  My newest laptop doesn't have a DVD port either, nor did I buy a DVD player for my elaborate flat screen TV when I created My Space.  Instead the car has a flat screen display in the middle of the dashboard that I don't know how to use.  When I put the car in reverse a rear camera comes on, something rather useful, though I still instinctively look behind me and in the mirror when backing up.  I think I know how to use the radio but haven't yet.  Don't know what most of the other gleaming silver horizontal buttons do.  Downloaded the owner's manual to try to figure some of this stuff out but probably more effective to just go to the car, push them in sequence and see what displays.

It has a USB port but not a GPS.  I don't know yet if I can plug in my cell phone and get Waze or some other navigation assistance via the phone.  Don't even know if I have a spare cord to keep in the car.  Can buy another.  Or I can use the GPS saved from the other car like I did before, though that device is old enough to mislead me when locations have changed or new shopping destinations have appeared.

Some of this I may never really figure out.

No Place to Go Today

Looking at my daily project list, nothing forces me outside my house or even into public view via Zoom.  I need not bother getting dressed unless it uplifts me endogenously in some way.  It might storm later today, another incentive to keep a low profile, pay attention to my screens, write a lot, tidy a little.  Drink some coffee.  It's a treadmill day.  It could be a serious move ahead day with some focus. 

Emerging from Withdrawal

Mar Cheshvan=Me Cheshvan started out with great optimism, time to pursue things put off.  But it got hijacked by an email hack with substantial loss and deterioration of my dear Honda.  I had been off my SSRI, got mostly impatient, often rather cross, enough to resume medication.  My muscles ached.  I felt lonely much of the time, often isolated, with a major respite when I got together with an old friend in Annapolis.  Car replaced.  Computer capacity restored.  Can't say I missed synagogue or anything particularly Jewish,  OLLI a bit of a disappointment this semester but a new course in the second session begins.  Housework and writing that had been my intended focus did not materialize.  And I'm struggling with this month's Medscape article.

However, I am starting to feel physically better for sure, emotionally better probably, less beaten down, less despondent, actually more optimistic.  The things to do short term seem reasonably well defined:  get acclimated to new car, submit Medscape article, treadmill schedule consistency, full contingent of prescribed medicines.  At least that much, maybe as much more as I can.

Returned to Treadmill

Since retiring three years ago, I've been directing some focus to self-care that lapsed amid the urgencies of getting to work and the fatigue that accompanied my return.  I've been more nutritionally focused, changed my grocery shopping for the better, taking prescribed medicine with few unintentional lapses, and remaining faithful to my treadmill schedule.  This past week I had a rare treadmill suspension, two days of scheduled walking or a total of four consecutive days off with my two-on one-off pattern.  My knee right knee hurt which made a more respectable justification than I just felt too ooky, even despondent.  The knee can withstand the stepwise jolt now, and why I am not restored yet to optimal personal outlook, it is sufficient to do a less than maximum treadmill session on the scheduled day.  I've done two, good tolerance, minor feeling of accomplishment that carries over to other projects that I've been too unmotivated to undertake.  Breathing good.  No anginal or claudication symptoms.  Minor lower extremity soreness.  And most importantly, less ooky.

More Animated

Maybe the SSRI, suspended a few weeks, has kicked in.  Maybe I've just emerged from an emotional trough.  I start today feeling better.  Achiness has abated enough to go for a low intensity walk on the treadmill. My mind has focused a little better, perhaps enough to resume some of the writing I've neglected.  My transition from previous to new vehicle does not seem to affect this, nor does the approach of shabbos.  I'm just feeling less inwardly battered.

Staying Cheerful

Expressing joy has been a challenge, in large part because a feeling of joy has been elusive.  I just purchased a new car which should make me elated but it hasn't.  My faithful Honda's end should make me dejected, but it hasn't. Things irritate me less than a few weeks back but without an upshift in mood.  I'm mostly lonely during Me Cheshvan, accomplishing some of what I set out to do, falling short in other things, accepting interruptions, but not receiving much pleasure from the things I undertake, and therefore probably not achieving the All-In that I had anticipated.

Celexa has resumed, Me Cheshvan still has its second half.

Recovery Day

Yesterday needs an antidote.  I felt achy, despondent, lonely, and a few other forms of ooky.  Scheduled treadmill session set aside due to knee pain.  Some half-projects: clearing out my car pending donation, checking financing for the replacement car, exchanging seasonal clothing.  None of these really engaged me.  Neither did selecting the replacement car, though I visited dealers where I may have to take it for service.  I selected a dealer from which to purchase it, though that did nothing to elevated my sagging spirits either.  

Been watching the Fab 5 on Netflix.  Used to watch the original Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, some of whom have moved on to more significant projects, particularly the cooking expert.  The current fellows are far more effeminate in addition to being gay, but the theme is the same.  They target people who could feel better about themselves by changing their environment, looking better, putting some effort into what they create in their kitchens and who gets to eat those dinners with them, which usually means expanding their social circles in some way.  My environment needs decluttering.  I look OK and have enough clothing.  My kitchen efforts are fine, but it would be better to expand the guest lists and frequency.  And I can get some help decluttering.

Ir's about midway through Me Cheshvan.  Still have a couple more weeks of Me Focus.

Seasonal Clothing

Global warming seems very real, with summers lasting longer and winters less bone-chilling.  We still have season's though, at least where I live, those transitions somehow overlooked in the story of The Creation.  And I have far more clothing than I wear, irrespective of which season.  Yet twice a year I move short sleeves and short pants to and from storage, overlooking the chance to donate what I have not worn.  Still I hold out hope of maybe a week or so in a place that's warm when my environs are cold, though not fulfilled that way for many years.  T-shirts move from their bin to a big plastic bag, with long-sleeved T-and knit turtlenecks replacing them.  Short sleeve polo shirts get prime space in my closet, to be exchanged for long sleeve polos in the same canvas shelving.  Flannel pajamas return to a drawer, short legged pajamas go to storage.  Short pants winter in a duffle, sweaters replace them in a designated cabinet drawer.

It should not take more than one outing to do this but I pace myself, one bin or clothing type at a time.  Eventually the exchange takes place roughly in parallel with the gradual transition of season.  Flannels, jeans, maybe sweatshirt or sweater, supplemented by weather appropriate outerwear become the norm.  More opportunities to consider appearing stylish, even if no particular place to go.

Anger Contest

University of Delaware offered an opportunity for expression in the form of a contest.  They asked students, including those in the senior division, to submit audiotapes of 3-4 minutes answering question of whether people are more angry nowadays.  I have a few technical challenges like figuring out how to record it on my cell phone for transmission and how to get the requisite @udel.edu email address.  Those are more easily resolved than creating accurate and compelling text.  My first effort went a bit over five minutes.

Do I think people are angrier?  No, but means of expression and efficiency of broadcast make it seem so.  History is replete with enslavement, real and perceived, the best invitation to anger.  Some of that sense has increased as we become subservient to our employers, our health insurers, and TV personalities.  Machers, once admired for their initiative, have shifted into a more scorned people of entitlement who will not think twice about manipulating you when you are vulnerable.  So yes, there is more expressed anger, but I think also more justified anger.

Redistricted

Our US Constitution mandates a census for the purpose of apportioning legislature representation, misused since the early days of our republic with favorable and unfavorable sequelae that have accrued over time.  States have legislatures too.  Our state uses the Federal Census in its districting.  One of the rewarding projects I have undertaken of late has been to serve as my election district's representative to the Democratic Party.  Good people on the committee, nearly all younger, I assume a little less prosperous, and perhaps a little left of where my worldview stands.  They seem committed to the underserved, which is good, not terribly analytical, which may not be good.

Proposed redistricted maps came out, placing my home smack it the center of a different district, a notably more prosperous population of professionals and tract housing.  Looking at the demographics, we have slightly more Asians than Blacks, which I assume reflects employment of scientists and a priority for the top schools when deciding on a home purchase.  There are no religious demographics included but the new district pretty much absorbs most of our state's Jewish citizens.  

I'm a little sad about being displaced, as I really liked the other people on the Committee and the elected officials who nearly always attended our Zoom meetings.  Whether a homogeneous or a diverse voter base is preferable, I'll leave to the political scientists. These new borders seem to create a district of what some call Bobo's, people like me, those educated, prosperous Americans who invest in the education and security of our kids, those people George Packer in his landmark article How America Fractured into Four Parts https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2021/07/george-packer-four-americas/619012/ called Smart America.  The other district, my current one by number, has a much higher Black representation, less wealth, and aspirations more reflective of the article's Just America.  The current rep, a Black fellow with a good heart and impressive energy, has done his best to legislate mostly small projects that truly enhance the lives of those people, leaving the larger projects with broader impact to our State Senator whose origins and agenda are that of Smart America.  Yet despite the economic divide of who lives within Election District 7 now, there doesn't seem to be much conflict.  Even if bounced from the monthly meetings once the new districts take effect, these are good people to help out when it comes time to support candidates.  As it is now, they schedule all civic events on shabbos.  Perhaps the new district, where there is more of a critical mass of Sabbath observers, will offer other alternatives.

Exploring Loneliness

As Me Cheshvan's inward focus continues to go well, a serious accomplishment of something I might have otherwise piddled every day, it's only partially satisfying.  An element of loneliness has crept in, brought into awareness by its exceptions.  I had a great time at Chabad for Simchat Torah, had meals with old friends three times.  All were real connections.  Far more are the illusion of connection, which may explain at least in part my inner hostility to my own synagogue, though they mean me no harm.  I think they betray their logo: Embracing-Engaging-Enriching.  Yes that's what I seek, probably a lot of people seek, but a logo doesn't deliver.  As I score poorly on the UCLA Loneliness scale in its original and revised versions, and as those times of real conversation with old friends begin to stand out, I need to look beyond a Jewish month devoted to myself, for good reason, and decide where my authentic social connections will be.

Email Goes Kaput

Something happened to my Xfinity Email.  Somebody who I only interact with electronically called me to tell me my email had been hacked.  He received a note from me asking to add to an Amazon account.  Another friend told me the same as well.  I sent myself an email, but my address no longer appeared as I typed a few letters.  I typed the whole thing, sent it but never received it.  My Sent Folder recorded it though.  Changed password.  Then sent myself email with the clue to help me remember the password.  It never arrived.

After finishing what I was doing, delaying supper, I headed over to the Xfinity store.  By the time the agent had completed her thing, I had a new password that even I couldn't remember, my Sent Folder had been moved to the Trash Folder and when I tried to move both folders back to Sent so as not to lose professional and legal communications, both those folders disappeared to.

I called Xfinity Security where the agent guided me through a few steps, told me it would reset but it never did.  I called again.  This agent couldn't fix it but referred me to their swamis who will eventually do what they in the next day or two.

I cannot receive emails.  When I send messages to myself, they now appear in a newly restarted Sent Folder.  I checked my Address Book, which also disappeared.  Since my Inbox still works I can retrieve the addresses of people who had sent me by searching the Inbox.  Sent two messages to people who can let me know verbally if they received them.  Those appear in the Sent Folder.

This can pose quite an ordeal, but I have had to change my email address once before.  We'll see if the Xfinity geeks rise to the task.

Total Body Ache

If I were to seek medical care, I wouldn't even know what to tell my physician.  I have global soreness.  Since the calves are the worst, I could attribute this to the treadmill, but it's not exclusively lower extremities.  There is a back component, which seems focused and a right shoulder pain that seems very characteristic of bursitis or tendonitis.  It responds to topical Voltaren when I apply it regularly.  I don't seem to have systemic illness, though my mood and disposition could use a reset.  Sleep, which had been responding favorably to targeted hygiene, has deteriorated, yet I don't feel depleted of energy.  I just have muscle soreness.

My first thought would be that my statin has caught up with me.  It definitely corrects my lab result and suspected intolerance, which has happened before, seems minor and difficult to confirm.  Still, omitting it for a week may be my best option.

Might it be polymyalgia rheumatica or polymyositis?  I don't have tenderness or weakness, even in the calves.  The distribution appears less proximal than the classic myalgias have.  Infectious?  No reason to think I might have exposure to brucellosis.  No rash to suggest Lyme.

Stay off the statin this week.  Voltaren to shoulder.  Naproxen if pain really needs medication or if I need relief to function.  Treadmill as my capacity allows.  Reassess. Even medical care if no progress.

Rather Irritible

Been off my SSRI for a few weeks, compulsivity and irritability symptoms did not take long to return, though I think my mind is a little sharper off the treatment.  An article from the NEJM recently looked at SSRI withdrawals in stable patients using the medicine for depression.  https://www.nejm.org/doi/full/10.1056/NEJMoa2106356 Symptoms were more likely to return off the medicine, though some staying on the medicine still had breakthrough symptoms while others sustained remission from their depression.  You pay your quarter, or your shilling since this study came from England, and take your best shot.  I prefer to stay off and control how I respond to the various triggers as they come my way.

My car AC started failing intermittently, so that gets added to the list.  Ordinarily I take the car to the dealer but they underperformed on AC repair last time, my interaction with the technician did not endear him to me, and at 213K miles, the extended warranty has long expired, so I'll try someplace else of good reputation if it can be done before next week's expected day trip.

Had a few adverse events in my own bedroom with what should be minor maintenance.  Clutter prevented getting into my closet to repair a shoe rack or even change the closet light bulb.  I could not make the bed properly because I could not get to my wife's side of the bed.  When the laundry baskets were removed, they had clean but crumpled clothing unattended for weeks at a time, which I folded.  I checked Angie's List for housekeeper options, as by now it's clear that my wife has no interest in making the housework gradient less lopsided. We meet with our financial advisor soon.  I simply lack the ability to do the needed interior upkeep, so I will either have to get help or we will have to downsize, as many of my contemporaries have already done.  Better to do this voluntarily than abruptly as a byproduct of nursing home placement.  But it certainly adds to my diminishing personal fuse.

And some chronic musculoskeletal discomfort hasn't helped.  Since the pain concentrated in two locations anatomically, I started applying topical Voltaren to the one I can reach.  It's helped the discomfort, no effect on mood.

And a vacation might help. Or there's always that chemical inducement to tone me down.

Shattered Ladle

Periodically I make an elegant dinner, this one for a VIP visiting a sukkah for the first time.  Menu planning went thoughtfully, including an assortment of savory and sweet, regional classics gone global, followed by a dish and utensil washing orgy.  I made Harira, that lentil-chickpea soup of Morocco of not subtle though not pungent spicing which traditionally gets served when the sun goes down during the month of Ramadan.  While the sukkah depends on its flimsiness it can also be an elegant setting merging teetering furnishings with elegant decorations and elaborate service.  I took out my fleishig tureen for this occasion.

I forget where I purchased this or for how much.  While I rarely make a soup that warrants special service, this harira did.  The tureen has a simple round appearance with handles.  It usually sits in the far reaches of a cupboard, needing a step stool for retrieval.  Its lid handle illustrates its simplicity and discounted nature, snapping off shortly after purchase and neer achieving restoration with multiple attempts at superglue.  This time I used rubber cement with a better result, though again temporary as it separated again when washed.  While I rarely use this item for its intended purpose, I always regarded it among my favorites for its appealing visual simplicity and its function.

To my horror, the porcelain ladle fell from counter height and shattered beyond more superglue.  A search of amazon.com offered a comparable ladle for $27 which may be my best option.  But with the lid handle repetitively breaking it may be better just to get a new tureen, though I plan to keep what I have, repair the lid handle once more, and keep the option of a ladle replacement, which from economics may still be the best option, at the forefront.

Replacing the tureen might be another option. There are elegant tureens, many displayed at the Campbell Soup Museum, now closed but with the tureen collection now partially displayed at Winterthur.  Elegant ones made of bone china can be purchased for four figures.  For much less I can replace one on eBay, though to keep it  kosher, it would need to be new.  I'd like a new one, but for as often as I use it, replacing the ladle and offering the lid holder a trial of Gorilla glue may still be the best options.  I will make soup for Thanksgiving, not that I really want to make soup as much as force a decision.